The Godzilla Mothra Letters

(continuation--see below for the beginning)

2011-08-26T06:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Mothra,

I found out today my son is an emo. The son I never talk about. So now I can not talk about him even more.

I don't think he understands the kaiju principle of "No parent should die before his child."

We were talking telepathically today. There were these uncomfortable pauses. I had this horrible feeling that at any moment he was going to tell me he's vegetarian or vegan. But the truth was only slightly better. He's pescatarian. So at least he still eats whales. There's that. When he started talking about the virtues of eating organically grown forests, I telepathically hung up on him.

He knew better than to telepathically redial.

Fucking kids.

You bring them into this world.

And then they destroy nothing.

Dear Goz,

I'm sorry your Mini-Me is turning out to be such a disappointment.

He's not really interested in world destruction or even making movies, that much is hella clear..

I have to confess I wanted to destroy him when he texted me asking me to add him on FACEBOOK.

Don't take it personally. All children of celebrities are usually totally fucking clueless and lost.

Even kaiju have a short bus, and I'm afraid your kid's on it.

Dear Mothra,

If he would just try.

When he goes to Tokyo, the Japanese indulge in their usual photomania and soon he's all over Flickr. All he cares about is being adored by the Japanese, who consider him some sort of squee god. He's knee-high to a skyscraper and only uses his atomic ray to destroy objects the Japanese have prepared specially for this purpose. My son is a poodle. My son is a fucking dancing poodle. And girls have a crush on him. You should see his posters. Emo enough to make your head vomit. I didn't even recognize him. Japan's little crush with eyeliner.

He even met fucking Justin Bieber. And didn't incinerate him.

Does that sound like my bloodline?

Dear Goz,

That's the great thing about being an insect.

I produce a shitload of children and as far as I'm concerned, they're all disposable.

Sure, I'll rush in to defend them when they're being attacked, but I have to confess it's more for the thrill of creating global-scale wreckage and carnage. Lots of parents are that way. In America, many sociopathic fathers and mothers force their children of both sexes into competitive sports so they themselves can later indulge their bloodlust at the games when they don't like a call by an ump or ref. It's like a serial killer's version of Munchausen's-by-proxy. "I want you to sign up for wrestling, Son, so you'll bring me a large pool of victims."

Dear Mothra,

I'm having a blah day.

All I did was look at LOLcats and masturbate.

I'm on top of some mountain that doesn't even have a name.

I was showing up on radar and the U.S. Air Force scrambled some jets and they did a fly-over right while I was watching girl-on-girl kaiju porn. It was actually Ogra doing Biollante. And vice versa. Some great strap-on action. It really turned me on in a weird way, knowing that Biollante is really me. I mean she grew from my skin, my DNA, fused with the DNA of a rose from that crazy doctor's garden. I remember her first larval stage fondly. Or my dick does. I really wanted to fuck her then--even if she was only really a giant vagina dentata. You know what I'm talking about? Remember when she was just a giant kaiju rose with teeth? That made my dick so hard. I mean I gave birth to my own giant Fleshlight. Then she had to evolve into that weird mosasaur thing. Evolutions. Sound familiar? Kaiju should sue Pokemon Empire. They're nothing but a spin-off based on our lives. The Pokemon people are always bugging me to comment on their shitty work and lend it credibility. As if. I'd sooner shit the Chrysler building.

Anyway, I was enjoying it when Ogra was topping Biollante, and then I began wondering what it means that she was doing me and it was turning me on so badly. In a weird way.

Maybe I'm a lesbian.

Or something.

Anyway, I took down the jets that were interrupting my hand job with a few well-directed blasts.

And now I'm lying on top this mountain and just staring at clouds, a cooling off period.

One of them looks like a mouse fucking a Dustbuster.

Needless to say, I'm high.

I stopped off at a pharmaceutical manufacturer and ate about half the building.

I have the weirdest buzz and the weirdest boner right now.

I must have eaten the area where they make Viagra. Some sort of kielbasa Miracle-Gro anyway.

But I've got no desire to masturbate.

I hope it doesn't last longer than four hours.

There is no kaiju emergency room.

"Prolonged erections" are one of those things which sound good in theory...

Dear Goz,

About your porno gender confusion...

I always knew you were a Little Monster.

You were born this way.

Same DNA.

But born this way.

Dear Moz,

Shut the Fuck Up, Get the Fuck Out, Eat a bunch of Lightbulbs and Die in a Fire While Shitting Them Out.

Dear Goz,

I have done all of the above.

Now you have no one to talk to but yourself.

And your emo son.

This is the ghost of Mothra, writing you for the last time.

Dear Mothra,

LOL.

Dear Goz,

I saw a list of "The Most Popular Kaiju" today and of course you were higher on the list than I was.

This made me wish for your death.

For the thousandth time.

I hope you will not think less of me.

Your pal.

Dear Mothra,

U jelly?

I was shitting blood today because yesterday I ate one of those skyscrapers which are mostly all glass.

And people don't believe in karma. Now I'm almost sorry I made that eating lightbulbs comment to you.

I flew over Portland while taking these hellacious dumps. I thought it was funny when the news reported it was raining blood and all the religious zealots went on t.v. and started talking about the end of the world.

If you live in Oregon, it's already the end of the world.

Deal with it.

I thought it was funny when all these people appeared on t.v. looking like Carrie at the prom, talking about signs and wonders.

It was really funny because the reporters kept backing up from them even while they held the microphones out for them to talk, and they kept advancing towards the reporters while dripping blood all over the street, squealing about heaven and hell. Their two favorite places. Besides WALMART.

They were too full of glory to realize they smelled like shit. One of the reporters threw up live on air. Go directly to YouTube. Do not Pass Go. Go viral. You're welcome.

Every one of these shitty, bloody lunatics sounded and looked like Carrie's mother after Carrie returns from the prom.

Apocalypses give a lot of people orgasms.

And the idea of Final Judgment. That gives people orgasms too.

To get the Last word AND send someone to Hell. What could be more fun for a human than that?

I'm happy to say I'm here to oblige the sick desires of sick puppies. Like James Taylor sings, "That's what I'm here for."

Just give me one of those Orgasm Donor t-shirts those assholes wear down in Jersey Shore.

Speaking of which.

I feel an intense desire to help clean up American television and head down that way very soon.

There's a certain beachhouse infested with disgusting humans with kaiju-sized egos.

I've got your GTL, bro.

Let me show you a different sort of crunch.

Dear Goz,

Believe it or not the Japanese have copied the Jersey Shore show. It's a bunch of Japanese louts spray-painted orange who were chosen because they vaguely resemble the cast of that horrible American show. It's called Yokohoma Shore, and like its American parent it is a train wreck of a show from which one cannot look away. There's an earthquake in every third episode and when this happens for some reason the cast all start to pretend they're masturbating. I guess it's a running gag. By the way, did you see that Abercrombie offered the cast of Jersey Shore a "substantial amount" of money to stop wearing their clothes.

Isn't that beautiful?

Not to talk too long about trivialities, but the Japanese version of Snookie is Suki, and she is a pyromaniac. She's my favorite character. So far she has set almost every other cast member's bedroom on fire while they slept, and one of them actually received second degree burns. The Japanese find her adorable and funny. She has commercials in which she endorses a line of fire extinguishers half naked. Because she is the only girl in the Land of the Rising Sun with an ass like a New Jersey Italian girl (two melons), they let her stay on the show. I suspect the show will end with the entire cast being incinerated. I doubt you will have such luck with your version.

I'm pretty sure the cast are all having plastic surgery done on their eyes now. Their acanthi have started to vanish. They're turning into little Anime sexpots, half Japanese, half American.

There are other differences. "Gym, Tanning, Laundry" over here is "Seaweed, Motorbike, Broken Soul."

And they have "yaoi Thursdays," in which the male characters suddenly turn gay. This is for the Japanese tween girls, who love that shit to death. Japanese gay men could apparently care less. It's only the schoolgirls who need this.

Oh. Did I mention this jelly donut is directed by Godard?

Dear Mothra,

Why are we talking about American and Japanese television at its worst?

Why are we talking about television at all. This is not "kaiju appropriate."

I have to stop watching this crap.

Yesterday, I watched a movie. Here's a synopsis. A woman wants to go to an IKEA store that is over a hundred miles away and she has no car. She meets an old man online and agrees to give him a blowjob if he drives her to the IKEA. So this old guy, I mean really, really old guy, picks her up and they drive to the IKEA store. They talk--very infrequently--about trivial things. The old man pulls off at the first rest stop and receives his blow job. I thought at this point he was going to push her out of the car...which would have been funny. I don't mean that in a sexist way. I mean that in an existential way. This blowjob makes him very happy for about ten minutes. But the rest of the trip he's basically dying before your eyes. When they arrive at the IKEA store, the old man sits on the furniture in the fake IKEA rooms while the woman coos in ecstasy as she fills her cart with IKEA crap. The man follows her from floor to floor, room to room, but he's exhausted. You get the feeling he could die right there lying on some IKEA quilt that looks like rainbow puke. Several times he falls asleep. The woman prods him with a red silicone spatula when this happens. On the drive home, they are both largely silent. You just watch them drive. And stare at the Bible Belt landscape. When he drops her off at her house, she doesn't say goodbye and he looks troubled. When the old man gets home he finds a glass IKEA paperweight that must have fallen out of the blow jobber's shopping bag on the passenger side floor. He goes in his house and puts it on his windowsill and then he goes to bed. In the middle of the day. The movie ends with the paperweight sparkling. Sparkling like it's asking for some sort of fucking Gold Star sticker from the Sundance Channel.

I think this delicate strand of starfish shit was titled A Friend.

The director was about twenty years old and after the film they had a featurette in which he talked about the "symbolism" of his film and said that it was inspired by the fairy tale "Rumpelstiltskin."

Funny, I don't remember a blowjob in that one.

And neither of these characters ever asked (or guessed) each other's name.

I made a note where the director was born and where he lives now.

I plan to destroy both cities really soon.

That way I'll have both bases covered. Just in case they're breeding more idiots like that and just in case he's planning another film.

Why do I care about these things?

And why do I have a feeling that if I look at the reviews of this film online, under the "Recommended By" section I will see the name Mothra?

Dear Goz,

I loved A Friend!

It's an instant classic.

You have to get nuance to enjoy a film like that. It's like Wong Kar-Wai. It's all about the tensions, the varying weights of the various silences.

I guess cinematic subtlety is wasted on the lizard brain.

Why don't you go rent a movie with Jennifer Aniston in it.

Or Vince Vaughn.

Or better yet, both of them.

I'm sure if they had played the characters in this movie you would have loved it.

I know how fond you are of narrative arcs.

We need to try to kill each other soon.

The way Roger Ebert poisoned Gene Siskel so he would get brain cancer and die.

Dear Mothra,

Yes, I like my movies to have narrative arcs. That movie had narrative AIDS.

Today, I finally accomplished something.

I ran amok and it did wonders for my self-esteem.

I came down off the mountain and just made a beeline for the nearest "civilization" I could find.

I destroyed a HOME DEPOT and then a miniature golf course. I left standing the little statue of me where you have to hit the golf ball up my tail and then have it come out my mouth. I was touched. But I flattened the rest of the course as the owner of the thing wept near the 19th hole, the one where you can win a free game.And then I flattened all the vechicles in the lot. Uh oh, better get Geico.

One jock playing the course tried to attack me with his golf club and I was like "LOL U MAD?" I kicked him out into the golf driving range next door to the mini golf course and he went right into the tall net. I felt like such a baller I heard Lil Wayne's lyrics in my head. His wife's high-pitched crazy screams felt really good. I think they cleared out my sinuses, which had been a little stuffy lately. Must have kaiju lungs. I let her live. Minigolf widows make for that great negativity publicity I eat up with a spoon.

Then I skipped over an Indian reservation while the natives mostly laughed and pointed at me but didn't run the way white people do. They didn't even take any pictures of me. Injuns are cool. Plus they were all completely stoned or drunk out of their gourds. Reservation life is sweet. Like a moldy peach in a stoner's mouth.

I chased various truckers down the interstate and then played Matchboxes with the smaller cars.

Whenever I saw a Hummer, I flattened it like a recycled can. Planetfuckers.

Squishing Americans is more fun than squishing Japanese. They're fatter so they make a bigger pop.

I don't even know what fucking state I was in.

I think Utah.

Some Days I Just Don't Feel Like Destroying the World (The Godzilla-Mothra Letters)

2009-02-10T06:35:00.001-08:00

Dear Mothra,

I am in America again. I feel really weird. This morning I was in a really bad mood, so I used my atomic breath to destroy several IKEA stores. The people were running and screaming and pointing up at me. Why do they do that anyway? They are just doing things that they have seen people do in movies. That's all they do. Assholes living in the movies. It's just one more thing which proves that destroying their world is the right thing to do. After a while I felt bad about destroying so many IKEA stores, so I destroyed a few MUJI stores. There were more Beamers and Lexuses in the MUJI parking lots so I felt better. All of the people were wearing black and pretending to be Japanese. I am worried about the American economy.

Dear Godzilla,

I am still in Japan, but thinking about flying across the ocean. Today when I signed on my FACEBOOK, I had one less friend. I felt really bad that I had no way of knowing who it was who deleted me and if I should feel bad about it or if it was just somebody I didn't even know was on my list. Humans keep inventing things to make us second-guess our existence and our karma. I think they are waging war on us again.

FACEBOOK is just a cleverly designed weapon.

So I went into destroy mode. I too destroyed several IKEA stores today. I thought that was funny when I read your email. But I hadn't destroyed any MUJI stores, so in the afternoon after reading your email I destroyed several MUJI stores also. They were near the ocean and the people were running and jumping in the ocean which I thought was funny. You know the Japanese. I used the gale force winds from my wings to knock down skycrapers and various annoyingly quirky towers also. I think I destroyed a Frank Gehry design. It was a piece of shit anyway.

I too am worried about the American economy. I am thinking of flying across the ocean. Did I already say that? Sorry, I'm sleepy. We could hang out and destroy things or try to destroy each other again. I realize I really should print out a list of everybody on my Friends list on FACEBOOK and that way the next time this happens I can just go down the checklist and find out who it was and possibly fly to their town and destroy it.

But why bother. Why bother with anything really?

Dear Mothra,

Today I destroyed several PIER ONE stores and a TARGET store. Then I took a nap. I hate doing that because then I am awake all night. You should fly across the ocean and we can hang out. You should bring your Fairies. Have they seen America before? I also destroyed the law offices of some of those assclown lawyers specializing in MESOTHELIOMA cases. I get tired of those ambulance chaser commercials when I am trying to watch t.v shows in which young unemployed men are given paternity tests. I like those shows. It's funny when the girl says she didn't fuck other guys and the test comes back that it doesn't match his DNA. And then she brings another guy on the show and he's not the sperm donor either. It goes on and on like Tolstoy or something. We could get drunk and watch paternity television and cheer when the guy gets away with it.

Dear Godzilla,

American television is decadent. They are like the Roman empire or something. No wonder their economy is so fucked up and fucking the world's economy up. Japanese television is weird like everything Japanese, but weird like harmless children. You know what I'm talking about. The Japanese know that everyone is a child before death. But Americans are just childish towards death. Sometimes I wish I was back on Infant Island and that was all I had to protect. Trying to protect the Earth can be so wearying. I know you know what I mean because you have to deal with this shit too. I remind myself that it's not the asshole people I'm protecting, but the organism Herself. Sometimes when the people cheer for me because I am doing something to save their city, I just want to turn and destroy them with gale-force winds from my wings. To let them know how stupid they really are. I hate being part of their cultural narrative. We talked about this before. That time you were so drunk in Kanagawa.

Dear Mothra,

Fuck South Park. I am so sick of that show's fucking sneer. If I ever see Matt Stone and Trey Parker I am going to step on them. Then vaporize them. Then step on whatever's left. Let them fucking animate that. I used to like this show and laugh at it. What's happening to me? I used to sing along with Primus on the theme. I used to laugh at Butters. Tonight I just stared out the window. Like John Hinckley or something.

Dear Godzilla,

I think South Park's okay. You are becoming very brittle. Paris Hilton jokes are the best American can do really. If you start pretending like any of it makes sense you are going to go crazy, Goz. Maybe you should come back to Japan. People still worship you here and are terrified of you, you know. I had a nightmare in which I was the Coen Brothers. Both of them at once. It was the worst dream I ever had. I'm being fucking serious here.

Dear Mothra,

Tonight I woke up in the middle of the night and sat up in bed and thought how strange it is that we are destroying the world in order to save it. Does that ever strike you as strange? I mean normally I don't even question it, but I sat there unmoving for several minutes and couldn't process the reality of my existence.

Dear Godzilla,

I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but no, I haven't. I think I try to be in the process and the process makes sense when I'm inside it. Everything is insane if you step outside of the process, you know? I mean it's like Wittgenstein. Remember you used to read that crazy shit? I mean if you are like skiing down Mount Fuji, and you suddenly try to step outside of your body and look at what the grammar of skiing is from outside, you're going to fucking go right off that mountain and die. You're Japanese, so you're supposed to know: everything from inside. I think America is starting to fuck with your head, Goz. Next I'm gonna catch you reading an IKEA catalogue or F. Scott Fitzgerald or something.

Dear Mothra,

Did you read the Tarantino script? I'm thinking about doing it. Your thoughts? Can you be coaxed into coming on board? I'm being serious. I don't think the irony is really that obnoxious. They said Benicio del Toro is considering it.

Dear Godzilla,

Excuse me if I OMFG and shit myself. I can't believe you sent me that piece of shit. I might have larvae to support but I do have some standards. Benicio del Toro wouldn't touch that piece of shit with Pauly Shore's dick. Get real. That's the old bait and switch which is how Quentin casts all his pictures now. A B C D and E end up becoming F G H I and J and he's still satisfied. I am definitely NOT on board. I would advise you against it, but you're going to do what you're going to do. Seriously though, you should come back to Japan and make the decision from here. Destroy a few villages, terrorize the nation for a week and see if you don't feel the difference. Then reread that script and see what you think. Trust me. I have no personal interest in this. But Tarantino? I mean why not fucking Hal Hartley? Crap can sing in any register you know. That's one thing Hollywood never learns.

Dear Mothra,

Let's agree not to talk about the Industry. I'm sorry I brought it up. But what kind of friend would I have been if I had presumed and not given you the opportunity? Yes, Quentin is an asshole. I threw the script into a dumpster outside a McDonald's and laughed when I heard your words in my head. We almost stopped being friends when we used to have these fucking stupid conversations before, so I'll just say I hope the larvae are well and that you have destroyed a bunch of cities today. That's what it's really all about. Not the fucking movies.

Dear Godzilla,

I love you, Man. I mean I'm still going to try to kill you again, and I know you're going to try to kill me. But that's just nature and the Planet. Aside from all that, I feel the love though. You're making good decisions. I think you are in a good period in your life. Destroy some more Pier Ones today. They are like the jungle movies of the 1930s.

Dear Mothra,

Today I snuck up on a group of people waiting for a morning bus. They had no idea I was standing behind them, as tall as the office building that was nearly touching my shoulder. I could even hear their conversation. When my shadow fell on them, one of them said something about clouds, and regretting leaving his umbrella at home. I realized I could vaporize all of them, but one of them coughed and another sneezed and somebody said "gesundheit" in a gentle voice, and for a moment I thought she had said my name. And I was filled with a ridiculous compassion. Then I saw my reflection in one of the upper story office windows, and realized my face when it is feeling compassion looks exactly like my face when it is feeling the desire to reduce Tokyo to matchsticks. Then a secretary pulled a chair up to a computer at the window, saw me, and screamed. She put her hands over her ears like earmuffs while she was screaming. If that isn't an image of the human soul I don't know what is. That began the usual rampage. But still. I liked that bus stop feeling.

Dear Godzilla,

Today is such a nothing day. I laid some eggs in the Tokyo subway. I listened to Radiohead and got drunk on some good Infant Island nectar. I destroyed part of the Shopping District. I read a book on The Gong Show and a book on grass. The book on grass was nonfiction and it was very good. Humans don't realize how important grass is. Martha Stewart is in Japan. Some anarchist group said they will assassinate her. Because she was suggesting improvements in the tea ceremony. She is going to be at a dedication ceremony of a new K-Mart in Osaka. I'm planning on destroying it. If I don't have the larvae that day. I have to check my Blackberry.

Dear Mothra,

This afternoon I got drunk and listened to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. That singer is awesome. "Isis" is my favorite song right now. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs are great to listen to when you are destroying infrastructure. I saw a story about a city called Elkhart where the President spoke because they have like the worst unemployment in America or something. Like half the town just gets high and has sex all day and has the nerve to complain about it. So I went there and destroyed it. But it wasn't even the top story on CNN. Some dog fell down a well. I think I killed about 5,000 people. The dog's name was Rufus. He was wearing a bandana in the photo on CNN. He looked like a redneck.

Dear Godzilla,

Some other Kaiju and I have this Wednesday film festival thing. I know that sounds really gay but we just get together and drink and watch several films by the same director. I should have written "we drink wine coolers." Then it would be really really gay. Okay, I suppose it is really gay. It was Neil Jordan yesterday. I liked The Crying Game and the vampire movie which had a dark palette. Miranda what's her name is good as a murderous little cunt in Crying. Neil Jordan has a good sense of humor. If he ever decides to make a film about the Kaiju I would consider it. Some of the other Kaiju asked where you were and I told them you were getting a sex change in Thailand. I think Anguirus believed me. He's such a fucking asshole.

Dear Mothra,

I read this about me on Wikipedia today.

"Godzilla is one of the most recognizable action/fictional symbols of Japanese popular culture worldwide and remains an important facet of Japanese films, embodying the kaiju subset of the tokusatsu genre. He has been considered a filmographic metaphor for the United States, as well as an allegory of nuclear weapons in general. The earlier Godzilla films, especially the original Godzilla, portrayed Godzilla as a frightening, nuclear monster. Godzilla represented the fears that many Japanese held about the nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and the possibility of recurrence. As the series progressed, so did Godzilla, changing into a less destructive and more heroic character as the films became geared towards children. Since then, the character has fallen somewhere in the middle, sometimes portrayed as a protector of the Earth (notably Japan) from external threats and other times as a bringer of destruction though this happens rarely. Godzilla is also the second of only three fictional characters to have won the MTV Lifetime Achievement Award, which was awarded in 1996."

My press is not keeping up with my psychosis.

I hate humanity again.

None of the nice things people say ever make you feel better anyway.

Because those are people saying them. People will say anything.

I would like to destroy the MTV Music Awards some year when they are live.

But it might be seen as an attention whore move.

Plus Sarah Silverman was hosting it last time and she is one of the few humans who "gets it" so I wouldn't want to destroy her work.

But if Howard Stern ever returns to the MTV Music Awards I'm so there.

Dear Godzilla,

You think that shit's bad. Read mine on Wiki...check out this gay shit...

"Since her first film, Mothra has been depicted in various stages of the lepidopteran life cycle: Mothra's mammoth egg is decoratively colored in blue and yellow waves. The egg hatches into her larva, a massive brown, segmented caterpillar (resembling a silkworm) with glowing blue—red when angry—eyes. In rare circumstances, twins may emerge from the egg. The caterpillar eventually spins a silken cocoon around itself (the pupa stage), and from this cocoon the imago (adult) Mothra emerges, a gigantic moth-like creature with brightly-colored wings. Mothra's life cycle—particularly the tendency of an imago's death to coincide with its larvae hatching—echoes that of the Phoenix, resembling resurrection and suggesting divinity. Despite having wrought destruction worthy of any Toho daikaiju, she is almost always portrayed as a kind and benevolent creature, causing destruction only when acting as protector to her worshipers on Infant Island or to her egg, or as collateral damage while protecting Earth from a greater threat. She has also fertilized her own eggs."

The typical, bullshit inaccuracies for Wikipedia...

1. I too now hate humanity.

2. I was female before. This incarnation I'm male. We alternate. They didn't even notice that. Assholes.

3. That Phoenix shit is gay. Like they say in the military, "It is what it is."

4. I got your "kind and benevolent." C'mere chickies.

5. Some dateless and undateable Japanese guy who looks like Mike Myers wrote this article. I just know it.

6. If there was a way to destroy Wikipedia I would do it right now. Is there a way to find out where they are based out of? I'm sure you and some of the other Kaiju will join me for this.

7. "Godzilla and Mothra Vs. Wikipedia." Directed by Neil Jordan. Fuck Yes!

Dear Mothra,

I don't get the Neil Jordan thing. Maybe you are gay. It's okay if you are. I'm just saying. The Butchers Boy was okay. But it was the Flamer Expressway after that. Do you say "Ish" now too?

Dear Godzilla,

Fuck you. Don't be so damn literal. The movies are "existentially sound." You criticize like a latent homo. I thought I saw you getting sprung when you were wrestling Mechagodzilla to the death. And you got the chronology and much else all fucked up.

Read and respect...

Selected filmography

Angel (1982)
The Company of Wolves (1984)
Mona Lisa (1986)
High Spirits (1988)
We're No Angels (1989)
The Miracle (1990)
The Crying Game (1992)
Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)
Michael Collins (1996)
The Butcher Boy (1997)
The End of the Affair (1999)
In Dreams (1999)
The Good Thief (2002)
Breakfast on Pluto (2005)
The Brave One (2007)
Ondine (2009)
Heart Shaped Box (TBA)
A Killing on Carnival Row (2009)
Our Lady of the Forest (TBA)
Borgia (TBA)
The Graveyard Book (TBA)

Dear Mothra,

You are gay. Elton Versace Donna Summer gay. You probably have an air freshener shaped like Morrissey. You probably have tampon-envy you are so gay. I am hungry for blue whale. I am going oceanic tonight. I am going to eat a blue whale pod and all their babies too. They can complain all about it in their stupid whale language. Nature is poorly designed. I didn't do it. I don't care about eating healthy anymore either. Just getting up every day should be enough. If I could deep-fry the whales I would. And the babies too.

KFW (Kentucky Fried Whale) would be a great restaurant.

I would eat there every night.

Dear Godzilla,

Do you like Haruki Murakami?

Dear Mothra,

No.

Dear Mothra,

Oh. I forgot to ask in my last letter.

Do you like Haruki Murakami?

Dear Godzilla,

No.

Dear Mothra,

I think I am coming down with a cold. Or maybe I have a fatal disease. If I contracted or came down with a fatal disease, I wonder if I would behave badly. I wonder if I would commit suicide or allow the disease to run its course and pretend to be optimistic and cheerful for the Japanese people who would be worried for me the same time they were terrified of me. I wonder what the tabloids would say and if I would still destroy cities and armies and infrastructure. I wonder if it would feel different.

Dear Godzilla,

You don't have to worry about the fatal disease. Because I am going to kill you soon. I am getting "that urge" again.

Dear Mothra,

Bring it. I ain't askeert of no pussy butterflies.

Dear Godzilla,

Seriously. What if Wikipedia was right? What is you are beginning to identify with the United States. Maybe the root of your negative feelings and depersonalization is because you are "a metaphor for the United States?" I'm not saying this to be an asshole but to point out what may be fucking your head up.

Dear Mothra,

Fuck you. My negative feelings and depersonalization say fuck you too. I am here to destroy America, not be America. I can't believe you are taking Wikipedia's side in this argument.

Dear Godzilla,

I hate Wikipedia. I would like to destroy it with the other Kaiju. And Google too. They are the root of most evil in the world today, but people laugh when you tell them that. Do I really need to quote the obvious relevant Nietzsche quote here?

Dear Mothra,

I got that right away. Duh. Let's talk about something else now. Okay? I like you and that's what I'm thinking right now. Not about your bullshit Dr. Phil meets Gene Shalit analysis of my existence, which precedes Wikipedia. Existence precedes Wikipedia. Existence precedes Google. I think Sartre said that.

Dear Godzilla,

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I flew over Sakhalin Island and over continental Asia and attacked some lame ass country that used to be part of Russia today. They had yellow telephones the size of dumbbells. It was like being back in the Showa Era. It was great. Their defenses were pitiful and I left them a real mess. Now they will have to talk to one another to survive. In other words, I did therapy on the country. I think they think Japan sent me as a weapon though, so I may have just started a new Russo-Japanese war. Or whatever those people call themselves now. Again, it will be conversation which is good. I went to Chernobyl and visited the empty town where no humans live anymore because of the nuclear meltdown. There are so many beautiful animals there now. Some deer came out and I used my telepathic powers to tell them that they are safe for a few hundred more years in this location and that they should continue to breed freely. The animals gathered around me and I felt good knowing I had started a deer orgy and Summer of Love in Chernobyl. One of the deer recited an Allen Ginsberg poem to me. It was a lovely afternoon. I wish Neil Jordan had been there to film it.

Dear Mothra,

I haven't been able to form sentences for days. I just get up, walk around and go to sleep again after a certain number of hours have passed. I mostly dream about kaiju who are dead or who no longer talk to me. I woke up with Gorillaz playing in my headphones and I had moisture running down my face but I didn't remember crying in my dream. It was a good song. The tears were atomic and I saw the earth was on fire around me and glowing. It was pretty but even my dreams cause pain and suffering because wild animals were running from the devastation. Somebody was hiding in the forest nearby and I could tell from the bits of narration I overheard it was a documentary crew with some documentary maker. I destroyed him and his crew with my spiral ray. I think it might have been Michael Moore. Somebody fat and self-righteous anyway.

Dear Godzilla,

Are you sad to be a monster?

Dear Mothra,

No, I am not sad to be a monster. Somebody has to do it. We are part of a fucked up world's fucked up poetry.

All good poetry or music helps people in dying well.

If we had a jingle or a theme it would be in Japanese and say musically "Monsters: we help you die well."

Kylie Minogue would sing it.

Why? Are you sad to be a monster?

Dear Godzilla,

No, I am not sad to be a monster.

You talk about dying a lot.

Maybe you should get that checked.

Dear Mothra,

Get it "checked?"

It's not a faulty headlight.

It's an existential state.

But fuck you very much for asking.

Dear Godzilla,

Shove an ice cube up your asshole. And chill.

Japanese is in mourning for Martha Stewart.

Her funeral pyre is a giant Bundt cake.

She chose to be cremated in Japan.

I sent my fairies as emissaries of my mourning.

They sang at her funeral and everybody in Japan cried.

It was better than the Chinese Olympics.

The terrorists got her.

It wasn't me.

She should have left the tea ceremony alone.

Bitch did look good as she departed this world.

Gown in lavendar by Vera Wang with this giant train that hung down over the bundt cake on both sides as though they were butterfly wings.

Vera Wang was crying on Japanese television and talking about the symbol of rebirth she had created especially for Martha's death.

My fairies made up a special Martha Stewart death song called "Goodbye Martha, Fairy Wing of This Life."

Japan thinks I am a good guy again.

Oh, the seesaw of history.

Thrillsville.

Dear Mothra,

Today I got inspired and felt like my old self. I was reading that book you sent me, Mindpower for Kaiju and doing the exercises you had penciled in the back of the book (Thanks!) and I wanted you to know I've had great results. I went to the corporate headquarters of Microsoft and beamed mind rays at the company. I even controlled the mind of Bill Gates. I made Bill Gates do the Macarena naked for a few hours then I made him think he was Paris Hilton. He got fucked by several of his hornier employees. Then I made him think he was Paris Hilton's chihuahua. He kept shitting in office cubicles. Then I made Bill Gates think he was a Mexican illegal immigrant who cleans toilets. I made him clean every toilet at Microsoft. I had everybody else at Microsoft under my mind control and made them work together to create a massive Hello Kitty costume that would fit me perfectly. The Microsoft employees walked around in a daze, measured me using laser beams and complex trigonometric functions. They drove around to nearby cities while under my mind control, gathering the correct fabrics and materials. When they were done, I slipped into the giant Hello Kitty costume and then destroyed Microsoft. Then I destroyed several other cities in California while dressed as Hello Kitty. It felt so incredible. I was still not the top story on CNN. Everybody was talking about Eminem's gastric bypass or something. I destroyed several Target stores and the remaining few Starbucks left after the economic crash. Mind power is awesome! It's like discovering a new drug or something. Arnold Schwarzenegger tried to attack me in a Hummer with a bazooka. What does he think this is? Fucking T3? I threw his little Matchbox car back in the direction of Austria. Of course, Maria Shriver was pulling the Jackie O. widowhood thing the next day on CNN. It was like she had studied the Jackie O. clips frame by frame. She had the walk down. E! Television was horrible to her though. Everybody saw through it. She's only marginally a Kennedy. Nobody was buying it.

Dear Godzilla,

The Japanese love the Hello Kitty rampage, all the destruction you are wreaking in California! You were definitely the top story here. Even Sanrio loves it and is issuing a "Godzilla as Hello Kitty" doll in all the better toy stores. It is "limited edition." There are posters of you standing over a naked Bill Gates doing the Macarena that are selling out everywhere. The artists consider it one of the finest performance art pieces of the last half century. So you are succeeding with both the snobs and the slobs. As if you cared. But I thought it might make you laugh. Quentin Tarantino is telling everybody you are considering taking the role in that film. I told you he was a whore who will use any tactic. He is like the bellybutton lint of Hollywood now or something.

Dear Mothra,

Check your Wikipedia.

I was bored last night and more than a little drunk and edited you.

Check the new paragraph that appeared last night.

Dear Godzilla,

What the fuck!?!

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia...

Personal Life

Mothra is a gay kaiju who enjoys the sensitive films of Neil Jordan, the traditional Japanese art of flower arranging called ikebana and the music of Mika, Donna Summer and The Pet Shop Boys. He can often be seen at various gay hotspots or at the White Party sporting a pair of rainbow colored wings for Gay Pride. He hangs around Fairies and sometimes he teaches them to sing the girly songs he loves best. He is single and seeking a life partner. Although Mothra is hermaphroditic or something, and can produce eggs out of his body, he does not rule out further adoptions with a loving male partner. He has publicly expressed a romantic interest in Mika and Seth Green.

OMFG, the only think Wiki flagged is the phrase "hermaphroditic or something" as "substandard usage."

We definitely got to get together with the other kaiju and take this puppy down soon.

I thought about Wikitaging your entry but....I HAVE A LIFE!!

You might want to look that up at Wikipedia, dweeb.

Dear Mothra,

I don't think anybody has said "dweeb" since 1989.

Are you watching John Hughes films again?

Come out of the time capsule.

Dear Godzilla,

Today I touched down on a piece of earth and lay in the sun in a glade in the middle of a green forest that was once a Buddhist deerpark many centuries ago.

And humanity ceased to exist.

I felt very content.

Because my enemy had ceased to exist, my sense of self relaxed and the boundaries of my being began to spread.

I began to feel the pure love of the sun for the earth, and the gentle breeze that rustled my wings lifted them up and down as though I were flying in place.

It was the most unearthly, comforting sensation.

And then a bunch of picknickers came out of the forest and the kids started screaming at each other in that way that kids do and one was pulling the other's hair and the one getting his hair pulled was shrieking, I mean just shrieking, so my paranirvana was so over.

So then I lifted to the skies, and attacked the nearest metropolis.

All I could hear as I shot my silken spray at a bus filled with terrified humans was that brat screaming as his brother pulled his hair.

And I just kept thinking, "Why don't the parents do or say anything? Are they deaf-mutes? Are they some sort of horrible Darwinists who believe in natural selection?!"

The bus filled with humans was on a suspension bridge over a deep bay and my silken spray knocked the bus over the edge into the bay where it sank out of sight.

I think I lost all my "princess points" I earned at the Martha Stewart funeral.

I think that lasted about forty-eight hours.

Oh well.

Being a kaiju ain't for sissies.

Dear Mothra,

That is some effed up hippie shit.

Hey, I was reading the Dalai Lama.

He scares the shit out of me.

Are you buying any of this shit he's selling?

Dear Godzilla,

The Dalai Lama scares me too. I even have nightmares where he is chasing me sometimes and chanting weird shit. Ethically, he is pretty advanced for a human but I don't think it's healthy for kaiju like us to read shit like that really. That weird shit about the practice of dying and all that posthumous activity going on with the body are worse than Edgar Allen Poe. Could you imagine if a Tibetan read that stuff to elementary school children? They'd never sleep again! If you want to feel better and make fun of him, read the parts in How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life where His Holiness talks about sex. The lamas have some really effed up ideas about sex, Goz. I nearly shat myself when I first read that part. He turns into this swinger type. Wait, let me see if I can find my copy of that book. Damn! Don't Tibetans believe in indexes?...

"Yogis who have achieved a high level of the path and are fully qualified can engage in sexual activity, and a monastic with this ability can maintain all the precepts.

One Tibetan yogi-adept, when criticized by another, said that he ate meat and drank beer as offerings to the mandala deity. Such Tantric practitioners visualize themselves as deities in a complete mandala, within realization that the ultimate deity is the ultimate bliss--the union of bliss and emptiness. He also said that his sexual practice with a consort was undertaken for the sake of developing real knowledge. And that is indeed the purpose."

So if you see the Dalai Lama in a Hyundai going down on a sixteen-year-old, you should feel privileged for witnessing his spiritual transformation.

Humans are all about the loopholes.

Mice and cheese. Mice and cheese, Goz.

The lamas have all these "exceptional circumstances" where superior lamas can engage in profligate sex or even wage war, but we are supposed to admit we don't "understand" what they are really doing because they are at a superior level of consciousness and enlightenment.

Haven't we heard all this "special exemption" bullshit from humans before in every idealistic religion, political movement or ism they have created?

The Dalai Lama is really just another insidious weapon humans have created to wage war by different means.

The Dalai Lama is just another Facebook.

And he writes this on page 88 of this book, which also made me nearly shit myself just now....if you could see how worked up my wings are with laughter....

"Nowadays, one of the best ways to communicate is through television. People who work in television and wish to practice this nobel idea of caring for others could make a substantial contribution."

This guy probably has more and better agents than either you or I.

Do I really need to tell you to look in the mirror (choose a big lake or a mirrory skyscraper) and give yourself your Daily Kaiju Affirmation?

The War is just.

Kaiju Now and Forever.

By any means necessary.

Dear Mothra,

Thanks, bro. I needed to hear that. I attacked the Space Needle write after reading your email. I felt a little bad, because I sort of admire retro design but I felt I needed to make a statement and that was the first big human thing I saw.

I still find myself moved by much of what the Dalai Lama writes, especially about form and emptiness. But I am a kaiju and I agree that the human war is not our war.

But I know we both know there is room for spirituality even in kaiju warfare.

For example, I never destroy dollar stores. Dollar General. Dollar Tree. You know the type of "everything is one dollar" store I mean. I know they are like the birdfeeders which the poor and the hungry flit in and out of all across America. Probably half the American population relies on dollar stores to survive now. If I see somebody come out of a dollar store, however, and get into a Lexus or Beamer, I nuclear pulse their rich white, black or whatevercolored ass.

I am going to go practice my tai-chi now.

I found a remote forest where I can do this without human interruption.

I like to do that when nobody is watching because I've seen myself on film doing this and I look very gay.

Dear Godzilla,

I was in a shitty mood today so I destroyed several sections of Yokohoma. I used my mind control to make all the radio stations play "Army of Me" by Bjork. Have you tried destroying cities to this song yet? It is the perfect soundtrack for destruction. I could hear Bjork coming out of every automobile and every sports stadium as the people ran all directions while I used my wings to create hurricane conditions. I have a giant IPOD that the people of Japan gave me when we were on good terms. Did the IPOD people give you one of those too? I didn't see you wearing it on CNN in your past rampages. I know some people if you'd like me to drop a few hints? Even though we destroy cities, they figure it's still good advertising. Somebody had typed in Japanese "WHY, MOTHRA!?" on the Jumbletron at the baseball stadium. That made my day.

Dear Mothra,

We are so alike some times it scares me. I attacked Los Angeles yesterday and I too used mind control to make all the radio stations play Robyn's "Konichiwa, Bitches!" It is the perfect song to wreck such a culturally pretentious city. And because it was Los Angeles, everybody was filming me and talking about irony and postmodernism in the street so I racked up a much higher body count due to the smugness, superiority and incurable mouth-diarrhea of those L.A. type. At least New York intellectuals have the sense to run. Of course, they're used to being chased and stabbed more, so I suppose it's East Coast instinctualism. In California, they probably deconstruct a mugging. It was a good day. The right people died. Or I think so anyway. Kill them all, let Buddha or whoever sort the karma. What I say. I napped on a sandy beach. The sun was gorge. I saw shit in the tabloids about you. Are you really gay for Johnny Depp? I would have had you pegged as the type to go for Rufus Wainwright. Asensitive boy like that. Just tell me where you're registered. I'm guessing Williams Sonoma.

Dear Godzilla,

If we are going to start slinging tabloid shit at each other, what about that story I saw about you donating sperm to Ricky Martin? Or that shot they had of you in the Speedo where they asked where the waistband was. Did I ask you about that? No bro, I gave you the benefit of the doubt and figured that was more Photoshop tabloidia crap. But one dumb tabloid starts that Johnny Depp rumor and you're all over it. I suppose you think Elvis was gay too, huh? I'm thinking of setting up another Good Cop/Bad Cop scenario to fuck with the Japanese mind again. I'll tell one of the dumber kaiju that Japan is talking shit about him, then when he goes on a revenge rampage, I'll swoop in and save the day. I'm in the mood to be loved this week. Then I'll just turn evil again after that gets old. It's so hard to keep life interesting without betrayal. More proof that life is poorly designed.

Dear Mothra,

I am so drunk right now. It is almost Spring in America. This thought depresses me for some reason. I think I'm just another kaiju who gave in and became a drunk monster. The way I feel right now I don't think I could destroy a bowling alley in Dubuque. Did you ever read Bukowski? Do you think he's worth anything? Or is he just an angry drunk? Sometimes I think he's a genius and other times I think he's just a typical loser with a good sense of humor. Or is that his genius? To keep us guessing what he really was?

Dear Godzilla,

I too am incredibly drunk right now. That Infant Island nectar is some good shit. I like Bukowski. He's refreshing after reading some spiritual asshole like the Dalai Lama. I think he was a kaiju, actually. Only smaller. He would have loved to have been incarnated in your body, Goz. You should respect that. I like the poem about the bluebird. It walks that fine line between existential uber-sincerity and fagginess. And doesn't fall on its ass. That's hard to do. He keeps his fat German ass on that tightrope. Quite often. I think his parents were Nazis or something. No wonder he was so fucked up.

Dear Mothra,

Shut up.

Dear Godzill,

Okay. Oh. By the way.

Fuck You.

Dear Mothra,

LOL.

I love you, Man.

Even if you are just a little pussy butterfly.

Dear Godzilla,

Bring it.

I will ice you, Son.

Bookmark this on Delicious and You Can Be My Hero, Baby...not Enrique Iglesias.